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Happiness Is A Side Effect Of Meaning | Proudly Made in the USA

Happiness is a Side Effect of Meaning | Proudly Made in the USA

Happiness is a Side Effect of Meaning | Proudly Made in the USA

It's a beautiful day to be alive here at the peak of recorded human history

GO FORTH AND BE MIGHTY!

Lyrics

Today's guest is one of the world's leading marketing experts and living proof that the American dream is alive and well
If you're willing to work your face off

Life starts
In being born in Belarus
In the former Soviet Union
I came to the US
When I was three years old
We were very, very, very poor
I lived in a studio apartment with eight family members
And my dad and my mom
As you can imagine are very much my heroes
My dad worked every hour of his life
Being a stock boy in a liquor store
I was a very entrepreneurial kid
I was day trading attention from a young age
I had six lemonade stands
When I was seven years old
And I would spend all my time
Trying to figure out what tree and what pole
To put the signs on
Because I was watching people drive
And trying to figure out what signs
Yes, I was a very sick child

When I was 12 and 13
I was selling baseball cards which were very popular
In the United States at the time
And I was making one to two thousand dollars a weekend
Selling them
In the malls
Which was great and I was rich for a young kid
And it was fantastic
But then my career changed
My dad dragged me into the liquor store
And I hated it at first
But luckily, I realized that people collected wine
I was into collecting sports memorabilia
That was my passion, that was the connection
And I decided
That I was gonna jump into my family business
Open up 4,000 liquor stores across America
Sell the franchise one day
And buy the New York Jets

(Chorus)
'Cause that is my dream
Buy the New York Jets
American football team
That is my dream
Buy the New York Jets
American football team

In 1994 I was in my dorm room in college
My friend came over to me
He brought me into a room
It was the first time I heard, “coo-coo-ch”
Which was the Internet
I was very excited about it
I didn't know what it was
I said something stupid like “Is this the information superhighway?”
I looked at it
This was 1994
I literally stood there
And watched people on the Internet for five hours
It was that crazy
It was just that insane
It was so new
And when I finally had my turn
To go on there
When I finally had my turn to go on there
Within 20 minutes
I landed on a message board
Where people were trading and buying cards
Baseball cards
And I realized, “My God, I can do business on this thing”

2x (Chorus)
'Cause that is my dream
Buy the New York Jets
American football team
That is my dream
Buy the New York Jets
American football team

You two stand up
You two stand up
Let's clap it up for these guys
Friday about 6 pm
In my room playing Minecraft
Dad comes in
“Hey buddy”
“Have any plans for the weekend?”
“No, not really, no.”
“Why don’t you go out with some friends”
“It’s a nice night”

Conversation continues for another 5 minutes
Dad asks about girls and my friends
I try to dodge around admitting I have no friends and
No experience with girls

But he knows
But he knows

“Ok buddy”
“Just let me know if you ever want to ride somewhere”
“You can borrow my car whenever you want”
Pats me on the shoulder and leaves
I get back to Minecraft
After a few minutes feel thirsty
No drinks in my room
Venture out into the kitchen
Hear my Dad in the living room
Crying
Look around the corner
He is looking through photo albums and pictures of me
“Hey Dad”
He looks up
Trying to hide that he was crying
“I’m going out with some friends”
“Can I borrow the car?”
He smiles the happiest smile I have seen in years
“Sure thing buddy”
He gets up and hugs me
Tears in his eyes
I get dressed
Get in the car and leave
I drive to an empty parking lot in an industrial area
I go to sleep in the backseat
Return home the next morning
Pretend I was out with friends all night
Dad hugs me again
I have been doing this almost every week for months now

Be me
Be me
Be me
Be me

Be me (faded)
Be me (faded)
Be me (faded)
Be me (faded)
Be me
Go on Amazon to buy a stainless-steel popcorn machine
I love popcorn
I love popcorn
Add my shit to cart
See they have an upgrade to Amazon Prime called Amazon Prime X
Claims to deliver your order in under 10 minutes
Think its bullshit
Free trial so I use it anyway

[Chorus]
I love popcorn
I love popcorn
I love popcorn
I love popcorn

Checkout
10 minutes go by
Think
“I knew it was too good to be true”
“I knew it was too good to be true” (faded)
But then
Knock, Knock, open up the door, it’s real
With the non-stop
Pop pop pop stainless steel
My face when X gonna give it to ya
Fuck waitin’ for you to get it on your own
X gonna deliver to ya
X gonna deliver to ya

[Chorus]
I love popcorn
I love popcorn
I love popcorn
I love popcorn

I love popcorn
I love popcorn
I love popcorn
I love popcorn
Be me in elementary school (faded)
Be me in elementary school (faded)

Be me in elementary school
Time to present in front of class
Get biggest boner of my life
Idea.jpg
Pull boner up and tuck it into my belt
Fits perfectly
Have to point at something at the top of board
Front of shirt lifts up, exposing my dick tip to whole class
My crush sitting in the front row gets huge eyeful

My crush sitting in the front row gets huge eyeful
Stupid Chad yells at everyone to look at my tiny dick
Not even that small
Crush starts laughing as tears start to well up in my eyes
Freak out and run out of the classroom
Laughing stock of the whole class
Laughing stock of the whole class

Laughing stock of the whole class (faded)

Laughing stock of the whole class (faded)

Just had to quit the only job I’ve ever loved
Because all my students
Saw my tiny dick

Be me in elementary school
Be me in elementary school
Be me in elementary school
Be me in elementary school

Be me in elementary school (faded)
Be me in elementary school (faded)
Be me
Be sixteen
Be me
Be sixteen
Join track team with autistic friend to avoid PE
At team dinner night before race
Start dicking around
Cause bored as fuck
Bored as fuck
Autistic friends and I putting food in retarted places for the fun of it
Pour entire bottle of water on a loaf of garlic bread
Then the coach walks by
“Anon what the hell are you doing”
“Uhh”
“I like it this way”
“I like it this way”
“I like it this way”
“I like it this way”
Shove the entire loaf of sopping garlic bread into my mouth as the coach watches
Why am I like this?

Be me
Be sixteen
Be me
Be sixteen

Be me
Be sixteen
Be me
Be sixteen

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